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• Евгения
  Идея стихотворения понравилась, а вот некоторые шероховатости заставили споткнуться.
  Первое за что зацепился взгляд - однокоренная рифма в первом катрене - "отпустит-упустит-опустит"
  В тертьем катрене тоже сомнительная рифма: "сплюнув-вздёрнув". И. кстит тут же - Совесть продали или вздёрнули? понятно, что слово "продали" - не в прямом смысле - продажа, а в фигуральном. но почему тогда не "предали" к примеру? Смысл -то тот же...
  В пятом катрене ошибка "кАчели" - через "а". И фраза "Как изменился плод вкусившии власти" - ясно, что речь идёт о тех, кто вкусил плод власти, как они изменились, но постороение фразы такое, что получается, что это плод изменился...мдя...
  Ну и в последнем катрене - "подымем" - имеет место быть, но как-то просоречно.. изменение на "поднимем" совершенно не изменит смысла, а звучать будет грамотней.
  Вот как-то так получилось)) это моё читательское мнение, простите. если что- о вам из моей критики не понравилось.
• Евгения
  Идея стихотворения понравилась, а вот некоторые шероховатости заставили споткнуться.
  Первое за что зацепился взгляд - однокоренная рифма в первом катрене - "отпустит-упустит-опустит"
  В тертьем катрене тоже сомнительная рифма: "сплюнув-вздёрнув". И. кстит тут же - Совесть продали или вздёрнули? понятно, что слово "продали" - не в прямом смысле - продажа, а в фигуральном. но почему тогда не "предали" к примеру? Смысл -то тот же...
  В пятом катрене ошибка "кАчели" - через "а". И фраза "Как изменился плод вкусившии власти" - ясно, что речь идёт о тех, кто вкусил плод власти, как они изменились, но постороение фразы такое, что получается, что это плод изменился...мдя...
  Ну и в последнем катрене - "подымем" - имеет место быть, но как-то просоречно.. изменение на "поднимем" совершенно не изменит смысла, а звучать будет грамотней.
  Вот как-то так получилось)) это моё читательское мнение, простите. если что- о вам из моей критики не понравилось.
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